at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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