dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
