Non-Jews are for practice
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
