I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
These tits shall not be calmed
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
