Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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