the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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