I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
