And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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