Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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