Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
