Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
