I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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