I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
