smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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