what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
