can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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