no, he came in my armpit
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
