There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
