Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
