I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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