I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
