I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
