How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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