I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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