John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
