just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Your penis caused this!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
