I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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