anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
