So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
