I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
