Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
