youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
