he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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