Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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