I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
