I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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