Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
