Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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