Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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