good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
