You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
