did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
