I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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