I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
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