I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
