I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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