Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I use my feet as sexual weapons
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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