I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
