My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
