I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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