At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
