I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
