whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
